i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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