The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
