I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
