you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
