Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
i think i just lost a toe
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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