how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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