Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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