the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
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