they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
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