woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
