Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
