Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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