I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
