Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
