Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
is that a dick in a sweater?
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