I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
