So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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