Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
