I think I won the penis lottery.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
