There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
