I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
