oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
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You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
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barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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