Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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