listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
