On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
