If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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