I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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