3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
