i think my mom watched the whole time
You can't motorboat a personality
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
