We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
her facebook's as public as her vagina
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
