How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
