he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
