I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
