My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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