I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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