she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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