I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
