Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
