Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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