and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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