Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
All the doctor said was why
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
