Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
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