his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
