it's too hot outside to masturbate.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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