I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
