I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Randomize
