Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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