i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
