just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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