I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
