Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
