with your own penis?
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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