i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
