someone threw a dead crab at me
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
