how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
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Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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