We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
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